Just an infant at the time, I didn't have the words. But I do remember.
I remember in my chest, that tightens every time I ask for help and no one is seemingly there; I remember in my blood, that rushes to my head, every time I hear glass shatter; I remember in my lungs, that to this day, stop breathing in cautious expectation, every time I hear a car halt its engine.
I once fell in love with someone who couldn't love me back.
I once fell in love with someone who couldn't love me back.
At just the age of four, I had the words, but with my egocentric mind, I knew that everything bad and scary around me was my doing. I remember being too loud and too quiet, too daring and too afraid.
I remember in my fingers, that learned to lock together when no one else was there to hold my hand; I remember in my stomach, that still eases every time I get on a swing, from days of rocking back and forth to calm the storming waves within; I remember in my shoulders, that still jolt each time I hear approaching sirens.
I once fell in love with someone who couldn't love me back. Not just someone- but some'two'.
At 6 through 14, I was eager to please, to be seen as enough in their eyes, to be seen.
At 6 through 14, I was eager to please, to be seen as enough in their eyes, to be seen.
I remember in my knees, that bent down at the altar praying for love and acceptance for all; my eyes that squeezed back tears so many nights, realizing in my family it was not okay to be who I was- but they chose me, they saved me, and I owed them a daughter who could do right in their eyes.
I once fell in love with someone that couldn't love me back.
They took on a different name depending on the night: Jack, Jameson, Charles Shaw.. At age 15, they brought me a warmth that I had never felt before, a safety blanket that drowned out the infinite fear burning inside me. But this liquid love was one that knew no bounds and didn't have limits. When I consumed it, I was consumed by it. I could never have enough. And cunningly concealed beneath this seemingly safe blanket came horrors that I would never remember.
They took on a different name depending on the night: Jack, Jameson, Charles Shaw.. At age 15, they brought me a warmth that I had never felt before, a safety blanket that drowned out the infinite fear burning inside me. But this liquid love was one that knew no bounds and didn't have limits. When I consumed it, I was consumed by it. I could never have enough. And cunningly concealed beneath this seemingly safe blanket came horrors that I would never remember.
I remember in my back, stiff from all of the nights spent sleeping on cement floors, stock rooms, bathroom tiles-from nights I'll never remember; I remember in my throat, each time I go to swallow a pill and can still feel a cold metal blade pressed against my neck; I remember in my sleep, when I wake up sweating and screaming haunted by faces and spaces of my past.
I once fell in love with someone who could love me back- all of me.
I once fell in love with someone who could love me back- all of me.
And their ability to do so challenged long standing beliefs about myself.
I remember this in my chest, the way it slowed down when they held me in their arms, and in my deepest core where for the first time I felt seen and understood. I remember this in my eyes, that met theirs and could see a better version of me reflected back.
But I couldn't love them back...
because I didn't know how.
BUT I could learn.