It's 3am.
I'm lying on the floor again.
The missing feels smaller down here.
Still-- none of my words fit.
I miss you will never be enough.
I miss the first drink and the way it fixed my insides
Never as much as I miss you.
My 3ams are different today:
Those 3am promises after swallowing a medley of pills-- waking up somewhere I do not know
"If I wake up tomorrow; I'll do it all differently- I'll be good, I'll be grateful, I'll be s o b e r."
Of course sober never came.
Those are gone.
Those are worse.
You are gone
'Without you' feels worse.
My 3ams are different today:
They are full of "I miss yous"
Of wishing I was there when I wasn't
Of drowning in all the unspoken words
3ams of answering questions:
How do you have compassion for someone who sticks a needle in their arm?
Me,
I imagine them as a child.
Crying in their crib for hours
No one comes to soothe them.
I imagine my three year-old brother shivering in the bathtub; muffled screams from the basement.
Still no one comes.
I imagine the pain they cannot put words to.
The 'I do not fit heres' that smother kind thoughts.
The people they have loved who left in the middle of the night,
The ones that they watched die in front of them.
The ones that are still there- but cannot love them back
The ones they will never be enough for.
I imagine one needle making this all go away, if only for a moment.
I imagine one pill, followed by ten more- filling up each hole inside, bridging the connections that never were.
I imagine taking the first drink, like any teenager in high school, and my brain lighting up, the warm liquid coating the deeeeeep fear with a warm blanket of light
I imagine the blurriness of the world finally becoming clear.
I fit here.
I feel safe here.
But the chase begins..
One needle, one pill, one drink-
It will never be enough.
We didn't know we were starting an endless race.
We didn't know we could not stop.
I didn't know that you would die.
I didn't know I could stay sober.
It's 3:37am
Today it is your 26th birthday.
I have been sober since your 25.
My 3ams are different today.
And different is okay.