A letter to myself when submerged in the darkness

Natalie,

You've never felt a sadness this heavy. Today you woke up sobbing, before you even realized you were conscious. It's been so impossible to lift yourself out of this bed.

Your brain is spinning with questions that you can't seem to find the answers to. Why can't you do these simple things? It's never been this difficult to climb out of bed and face the day, to carry out these daily tasks that used to be so effortless. Why is it you can't make it through a day lately without going to the bathroom at least three times to sob?  You're coffee doesn't taste the same. Your favorite TV shows are no longer funny. Why do all these things that you used to love, that used to energize you, now send you running to your bed for refuge? You have SO much to do, but you just can't do it. You just want to close your eyes. Everything can continue moving around you, but you just can't move.

Everyday you're wading through this darkness, trying to find the smallest glimpse of light. You could always find that light within you, but it's never been this hard. You know it's still there somewhere, it must be. But it's fading fast. 

Nat, I want to remind you that you're going to be okay. You need to continue clinging on the things that bring you light, whatever it is in that moment that keeps you going. These moments will pass. I need you to try and remember the following things:

Please remember how many people care about you. You have to stop pushing everyone away, when you know you need their support now more than ever.  I've been watching you isolate yourself further from your friends and family, from those in your program, thwarting these connections that are supposed to be such a significant part of grad school.  You can't give up on these relationships. You don't have to face this alone.

Please remember the extent of the grief you're experiencing. And that it's okay to feel this sad. You're experiencing so much loss. Loss of a dream you held onto for so long, loss of your best friend and a sense of love you never could have imagined, loss of energy and excitement to do the things you enjoy most, loss of a sense of safety in your own home.. 

And you’re losing your mother. She’s really suffering, and you know there is nothing you can do to save her- and part of you knows how much she’s hurt you- and knows that what’s coming will be best for both of you-- but you’re so afraid of losing her forever. And you realize how close this day is. 

And then there's the sweeping loss, the sense of despair you can't even put words to. You've lost your sense of self, of purpose, the driving force that's moved you to help others and to help yourself. 

Please remember that you're going to grow from all of this, and you're going to come out on the other side. You're growing as I write these words. You now have radical empathy for your friends and family weighed down by depression, for the clients you work with...

  Look at this girl. 

She's still so scared. You need to protect her, to keep her safe, to take care of her. Because despite all the losses she's experienced, she still has so much to be grateful for, and so much more to gain! But she really needs you to advocate for her, to not give up on her. To fight for her now more than ever. 

You just need to find the balance. The balance between not letting the sadness win and giving it space to be felt- and to be felt fully. A balance between reaching out to those you care about most and who care about you, and still maintaining boundaries and protecting yourself.

But for today, you just need to be gentle with yourself. I know it’s your favorite season. There are perfectly crunchy leaves everywhere. There’s even a dog here. Yet, you cannot smile, you cannot move. Just finish your coffee and do what you can. At the very least, just get outside.

Things will get better. 

Love,

Nat

Dear Peace Corps, It's not me, it's you.

June 23^rd. This date has been engrained in my head for the last 8 months, a date of incredible significance. A week from today, I should be leaving for staging, leaving to serve 27 months in Swaziland.  But I wont be leaving.

It’s crazy how when you want something so bad it becomes part of your identity. Natalie; Peace Corps. It’s like an automatic word association. Ever since I was six years old and my own social worker showed me pictures of her and her partner’s service in Peace Corps, I knew this was something I wanted to do, something I was going to do.

Dreams & Aspirations, Age 8

And it was happening, a year in the making.  Something I had dreamed of for as long as I can remember- it was happening. The application questions I spent hours on, the essays I had my friends edit repeatedly, the two and a half hour interview in Chicago. I remember smiling while simultaneously crying the day I received my official invitation. I couldn’t stop smiling for a week after. It was surreal.

I then began the longest medical-clearance process I could ever imagine, involving more paper work than I filled out in my entire life. But it all seemed worth it, because I would have the most amazing experience, the opportunity of a lifetime.

Then I actually made it through all the paperwork. I was at the end. I could see the other side. I was essentially medically cleared. And it all came down to one single question, one single checked box: “Have you been sexually assaulted in the last year?”

I have replayed this doctor’s appointment in my head so many times--wishing I would have answered differently, skipped over that question, lied about my experience. Because I know if I would have lied, if I would have chose not to disclose, I would be flying to Philadelphia for staging next week.

Peace Corps has always been a dream of mine. But it’s hard to imagine working for an organization that further stigmatizes the trauma of sexual assault. Who places the fault and blame on the survivor, who tells me to take a self-defense class and then apply again in a year.

1 in 5 women are sexually assaulted in America, 1 in 4 on college campuses. And these are the women who choose to speak up, to disclose. There are countless women who choose not to disclose these experiences. And why would they? If they are going to be blamed, stigmatized, held back from their dreams. Why speak up?

In the words of my advocates (Anne Huhman & Heather Colohan) at the Sexual Assault Prevention and Awareness Center (SAPAC): “These structural impediments cause significant barriers for survivors and often serve to silence them. In order to progress as a society, we need to create a culture where survivors are not penalized; but rather, feel safe and supported in coming forward with their story. When survivors feel punished for sharing experiences of trauma, we create a chilling environment rather than one in which survivors feel encouraged to come forward. The benefits that survivors experience when sharing their stories can be significant- it can reduce stigma, help a person heal, create connections between people who have similar experiences, and possibly lead to powerful social change. The fact that Natalie came forward, shared her story, sought services at SAPAC, and immediately connected with long-term support from a therapist demonstrates incredibly strong and healthy coping mechanisms on her part. The reactions that she has had to the trauma are very common and out of her control.” 

I was sexually assaulted, a circumstance out of my control, and my coping mechanisms after this experience, not the experience itself, should have been the deciding factor in my ability to serve.

I know that Peace Corps is “the hardest job you’ll ever love” and that it comes with an incredible amount of unwanted attention and street harassment as well as constant feelings of loneliness and isolation. Yes, it would have been a hard job in a challenging environment, but it was one that I would have succeeded at and thrived in.

Being assaulted hasn’t changed who I am. It hasn’t taken away any of my strength-- if anything it has made me stronger. I know I have both the passion and skills to be an amazing Peace Corps volunteer. I know I would have met some of the most amazing, beautiful souls. I would have had a “life-altering” experience, as they say, one that makes you question everything you have ever known and forces you to see the world from a different perspective, to love strangers on the other side of the planet as your family, to live life in an entirely different way.

This is not an experience I will have with Peace Corps. Not today, and maybe not ever. I realize what a privilege it was to even be presented with the opportunity to serve in Peace Corps, and I am beyond grateful. I do not regret this last year or the endless nights I spent in preparation for my departure. And though at times I have questioned this, I do not regret my integrity, a quality supposedly sought after in Peace Corps volunteers. However, I do know if I would have lied or merely held back information, I would be leaving for Swaziland next week.

I am a sexual assault survivor. This, an unfortunate experience, is not my identity. Peace Corps may offer an amazing experience, but it is not my identity either. I have so many qualities that would have allowed me to thrive in Peace Corps service. You can take away that experience, but you cannot take away these qualities, and you cannot take away my identity. I’m going to do amazing work where I am. And right now that may only involve eating oranges and playing in the sand with preschoolers. And that’s okay.

I’m not leaving for Swaziland next week to serve as a Peace Corps volunteer. And I’m going to be just fine.  *repeat until convinced*

The meaning of life.

Before going on this trip I could not have fathomed what the next four months would bring.

How extremely blessed I am to have the opportunities I've had. To see an array of beautiful things, to meet countless wonderful people!

I've learned that in the end we all want love. We all want happiness. Where ever we find that love doesn't matter. For me it's in travel, through meeting new people and new cultures, through never letting my feet touch the ground. But this isn't for everybody. You don't have to travel a thousand miles across the globe to be of service. If I travel, it's mostly for selfish reasons. Yes I try to give back when I'm traveling, I volunteer, I teach, I give children love. But I could do this at home. There are countless children in American who need love too. 

I'm not traveling to save anyone, except maybe myself. 

Sometimes the greatest service comes from being at home. For instance, being a mother: giving the gift of life and even greater LOVE, to another human being. I sincerely believe there is no greater purpose, than raising a beautiful child in this world. I admire all of my friends who have chosen this path.

I love to travel. I've met some of the most beautiful inspiring individuals, and I aspire to meet more. By seeing how other cultures function, how they love, how they communicate, how they view the world, how they raise their children. That's how I learn. But it's not the only way.

These last few months have taught me more than I could have ever imagined and I am so grateful for that. 

Nonetheless, my travels are a purely selfish thing and I'm okay with it. I've learned in the last year, as Phoebe too reluctantly learned on Friends, there is no such things as a truly unselfish act. In the end everything comes back to us, even if it's our own happiness gained from giving to others.

With that being said, giving and serving others, spreading compassion and kindness is the most important thing and the sole purpose of our lives. And it can be done anywhere, one doesn't have to travel across the globe to do it. Most times it's the smallest actions that make the biggest impact. 

So whether you're a mother, a teacher, a garbage woman, a banker, a world traveler, the president of the United States, know that if you're making a positive difference in the life of even one sentient being, your life is of most significance.  And know that you can do it right from the comfort of your home.

Today, more than ever before, life must be characterized by a sense of Universal responsibility, not only nation to nation and human to human, but also human to other forms of life.  - The Dalai Lama

Equanimity: An attitude that involves having equal respect and concern for every being regardless of where they stand in relation to us.

sunset at Kopan<3

Sometimes you can hear things a thousand times. But never truly hear them.

Perhaps it's something you've been told countless times, but it's never really registered. And then one day, some way, you hear it. It makes sense. You see it and it's so obvious.

What's changed? It's the same information. Is it the person telling you it? Was there some shift in your mind? How is it that it's suddenly so clear?

I'm not sure if I can answer this. I just know that it's true.

During these last four months traveling, I can definitely say I've learned things-- entirely new things.  A new concept, a new idea, a new way of seeing things, seeing life. Things I never would have thought of. Ideas that blew my mind. People with lifestyles I never could have fathomed. 

This I definitely encountered.

But more often that not, I encountered things that I already knew... or at least thought I knew. Things that made sense, facts if you may. Ideas I clung to that just had to be true.

And then realizing they're NOT that way. . unlearning them. This has been the most powerful thing.

Realizing that sometimes you think you know things, but really you know nothing. 

Seeing things in a different way, this is the magic of traveling. Of meeting new people, new cultures, new ways of living, of seeing our world.

Realizing unity and that each and every individual you ever encounter is exactly the same in that they want happiness and they don't want suffering. And yes we may all attempt to find this happiness in various different ways, but when it comes down to it. We all want love, we want success. We all want to be happy. 

And from the beginning we know how to accomplish this. It's so simple. It's always there.

Yet we make it so complicated. We fill our minds with endless voices that drown out the one voice we need to hear. The voice of truth.

But then one day you wake up. You truly listen. You're able to hear that truth. That advice you've been told endless times that never truly registered. That love the world has been trying to give you but you just couldn't see.

Realizing the love is there, you can now accept it. 

It's yours. It's ours.

It's equanimity.

om mani padme hum

After spending five weeks at Kopan Monastery in Kathmandu, Nepal--- has something changed?  This is the question. 

In the last five weeks I..

 -meditated for five hours each day        

 -sat cross-legged on the floor for eight        

-did yoga twice a day         

-honored silence from 10pm at night until 2pm the next day (or at least tried to ;)       

 -constantly discussed life and buddhism.        

-and took the  8 Mahayana Precepts for the last ten days.. no stealing, no lying, eating only one meal a day, not dancing or singing or listening to music (okay I might of broke these last ones ;)

I can say it was a beautifully challenging experience and that indeed I have learned.

Although I still wouldn't consider myself Buddhist, this course has opened my mind significantly.

     

What do I believe? I believe in compassion, in unity-- something that Tibetan Buddhism emphasizes greatly. I also believe in karma, and the basic science that our actions will have consequences, and at some point there will be repercussions. I can also see how all of our problems stem from three poisons: ignorance, attachment, and anger.

It truly is such a logical belief system, and although I'm still quite the critic, I appreciate that Buddhism wants me to be. It wants me to question, it wants me to analyze. It doesn't want to tell me what to believe, to tell me that its system is right and every other system is wrong. It emphasizes unity, allocates acceptance, and encourages getting to the peak of the mountain taking which ever path best suits you. 

And there is no question in my mind that meditation and compassion are key to which ever path one chooses.

Truly it's a ship I'm willing to board. I just don't think my bags are fully packed.

I will continue to raise questions, but I can say I've opened my eyes and my heart quite a bit.

Ten things I've learned, realized, or been reminded of:

1) Mindfulness and awareness are key to everything. Even love can't reach it's full potential if your not being mindful. (meditation is key)

2)You can learn things intellectually for years, but until you realize them for yourself and understand them with your heart, you'll never fully understand. (Meditation helps with this too)

3) You can never fully change another person's mind. Only your own. BUT being in control of one's own mind is a very powerful tool, as...

4) Your mind is everything. Everything we perceive, everything we see and understand. It all comes from the mind. It is all projected and it is all empty of inherent existence. While emptiness is an impossibly complex concept to grasp, as well as a terrifying one. It is a hopeful concept, as it brings the truth that we do have the power to change our reality, because our minds create our reality. So change your mind. simple, right?

5) (Not one of my favorites, but nonetheless true) Impermanence is real. Death is real. It's better to confront it than avoid it. If we don't confront it, eventually it will confront us. If it hasn't already. 

Everyone we love is going to suffer, everyone we love is going to die, as are we. All we can do is enjoy the time we have, spread love and compassion, and try and enjoy all things beautiful. Happiness is there, it's fleeting but it's there.

6) Everything is indeed constantly changing, on such a small subtle level as well as a vast one. The art of loving through impermanance is realizing that the people you love most- you'll never entirely know. They are constantly changing and forming, as are you.

Using the analogy of a dear friend, we are all infinite onions- layers and layers yet to be revealed.  We can never fully know a person, but there's always room to learn.

Time is limited, wisdom is scarce, but love and compassion have endless potential. And in the end that's all that matters.

7) My perspective and your perspective will NEVER be the same. We will never see the world the same way as our minds have completely different mental imprints and projections. Our histories, every single moment, every memory in this life has affected how we see the world. This is different for everybody, thus NOBODY see's things the way I do.

7.5)  Acknowledging that nobody see's things the way you do and that we all have our own perceptions, we must also acknowledge our unity - in wanting happiness and not wanting suffering. We are all human. We are all the same.

8) Anger is never worthwhile. "Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"

9) It is a mistake to thing boredom comes from a particular person, situation, activity. Boredom doesn't come from the object of attention, but the quality of attention. If you're feeling bored while talking to someone, it means you should listen more carefully. If you're bored in meditation, it means you should bring your attention closer to the object.

"How can meditating on the breath be boring? Each breath is sustaining your life"

And finally. A significant realization for me:

10) Unpleasant feelings, experiences, encounters. These are necessary. These are key. As without experiencing the negative, we can't appreciate the positive. Without the "bad", we wouldn't realize the"good" (not that there is good or bad- these are all projections ;)

This is something I've most likely heard throughout my life, but for some reason it finally registered. I finally understood it on a whole different level. Appreciating the pain, the people who've hurt me, who've hurt those I love. Seeing their suffering. Seeing them as "precious wish-fulfilling jewels".. because they've allowed me to practice patience, allowed me to develop my compassion, my empathy, to fully appreciate the beautiful things in life, by seeing, by knowing, what is not beautiful.

This is one I still can't fully grasp, nor put into words.. but it's a start.

All in all. If I had to pull out the most significant, life changing thing I've learned during my weeks at Kopan, these past four months traveling...

I'd have to say it's something I've known all along. 

But it's never been so clear.

Kindness and compassion are of MOST importance. Our sole purpose of existence is to help others, to spread kindness, to reflect light. 

If I could only know one thing, I would know this.

Real peace and happiness has to come from the heart, from within. So therefore, to eliminate wars and destroying each other, to eliminate famine, disease and earthquakes, and to eliminate all other disasters and unfavourable experiences, all this can be stopped by having loving kindness toward each other. From having a good heart with loving kindness, negative action cannot arise.  -Lama Zopa Rinpoche

Peace and love to you all<3